One Year Later: Nov 30, 2023

One year ago today I wrote in my journal… “I just want to hear her voice again”

Jami does not wake up for more than 30 seconds. For the brief moment she is awake, it is not Jami. She will say a few random words, try to tell us she needs to get out of bed, and then falls right back asleep. She is on 4MG of morphine and a few anti-nausea drugs to keep her comfortable. All day I assumed the narcotics were the reason she was so out of it. Late in the evening, I took one of the nurses aside to have a conversation about Jami’s progression. She told me, “Jami is sleeping, non-talking, lethargic, brain-foggy due to the progression of the disease”. This is the first time it really hit me that the disease is winning. Up until this day, we’ve always been able to see a doctor to get some drugs or perform a surgery and go back home at some point.

I don’t know it yet, but the disease won. It took Jami from us. She is not waking up. She won’t walk out of here.

But what hurt me the most… I won’t ever have a conversation with her again.

A few weeks ago, Jami told the kids and I, “…when we say goodbye we have to mean it like it may be our last…”

Well, this time has come…

We won’t have another conversation.

Instead, I got in bed with her and rubbed her back.

Here is the update I sent all our family and friends: